Why don't I scrapbook anymore? Why don't I ever make time to be creative anymore (except for the Studio Calico assignments I owe each month)?
What happened? And what can I do to fix it? Because I don't want to stop.
A lot of things happened.
1.I had too much stuff.
I kept buying. I kept saying yes when people wanted to send me things. I kept ordering and keeping up with the latest and greatest.
And I drowned in it.
I had too much. So I purged. I donated. I did giveaways. I gave two boxes to our babysitter. I stopped buying, I stopped saying yes.
2.I got caught up in the mob mentality.
"Everyone" has a silhouette. Everyone was misting. And splattering ink. And sewing. And stamping and layering and and and...
And while it is a lovely look (one I wish I could pull off)...I cannot pull it off. And it is not "me".
I thought it had to be me. So I tried it. I misted. I layered bits and pieces. I spent hours on layouts.
And it wasn't fun for me. It didn't feel authentic. And the end result wasn't meaningful to me.
I got tired of feeling like I had to constantly link and tweet and show pictures of what I was working on.No one said I had to...but it's easy to get sucked into it. Most days I don't even have time to go in my scrap room. At.All.
I wish I could have a new project to share every day. But that is not going to happen anytime soon. And social media has a way of making you feel inferior. If you let it.
3.I got stressed out
I don't think I really have to explain this one. For some reason I never really got my feet under me this deployment. Creativity was the last thing I had time for. I quit project life,didn't really set foot in my scrap room,I started my new job...which I LOVE by the way. But a lot of things happened that took the place of creativity.
4.I realized that I'm probably not the best fit for design teams
I don't make complicated pages. I don't dabble in techniques or do anything that would sell classes or product. I found a job where I could pour my creative focus without being looked at for layout inspiration.
I realized that making heartfelt,meaningful pages the way I do was NOT the best fit for pushing or selling product. I never figured out a way to do that in an authentic way and I got tired of trying. Simply put...some can make the two mesh in an honest way. I cannot.
I finally learned that I shine through blogging. Through sharing my heart (and sometimes sharing my heart in layouts)...but I am not a competitive designer.I am not great at selling product.
I don't want to have to worry about if I'm good enough. I want to be me and feel 100 percent at home doing what I'm doing. That's why the MME job and moving my focus elsewhere is a great fit for me.
I still intend to share companies and products I love now and then. That's part of the joy of this for me...sharing things and people I truly believe in!
**I need to come back here and clarifying that I am not trying to bite the AMAZING hands that fed me. There used to be a time that perhaps I was better at being a design team member. It has been a joy and privilege to work for companies,teams,and women I believe in. There is no doubt that those days brought me many gifts and amazing opportunities. I just feel that I am not a good fit for design teams anymore. There are many people who ARE and who do it well.**
So what has to change?
I had to let a lot of stuff go. I had to let it go that I wasn't doing what everyone else was doing. I had to accept that there will always be competition and that I don't do well with it. I had to realize that my pages need to be "me" for me to enjoy the process and the end result.
I need to re-discover why I fell in love with scrapbooking in the first place.
When in the world did scrapbooking become about "keeping up" to me. That is the stupidest choice I've ever made. Scrapbooking is whatever you want it to be. But to me? It was about my heart. It was about putting a piece of my heart down on paper.
And I lost that.
It's time to get that back. 2012/2013 will be the year I reclaim that. A year of not worrying about J leaving, a year of no fear, a year of togetherness...this seems like the perfect year for finding the joy again.
I regret that I let all the junk suck me dry creatively.
And it's high time I change that.
Wish me luck!!! :)