Just me My Soldier and our 4 little chicks

perception vs. reality

i seriously have no idea what i'm doing half the time.

i brew coffee in the keurig without a cup underneath and i don't even notice until the coffee is running off of the countertop and onto the floor.

i attempt to make ruby slippers with glitter glue and red glitter...and somehow end up gluing the flats to the front porch. true story. there is still red glitter in the crevasses on the porch.

i laugh when i should be stern.

i raise my voice when i shouldn't.

i pin all sorts of cool crafts to do with my girls. and i never do them. i have the best of intentions but rarely follow through.

more often than not, we have convenience meals. pasta,tacos,casseroles.i'm not a very good cook.

i feel like i'm on a treadmill that is going WAY too fast and i simply can't catch up.

i forget field trip slips and lunch money.

my car looks like a tornado went through it.

i have never made a homemade halloween costume or homemade cake in my life.

when all else fails, i put on elmo. or yo gabba.

i feed my children lollypops just so i can get through the grocery store.

the laundry is piled up sky high. always. no matter how many times i *think* i'm caught up.

and you know what?

i am good with it. great with it,actually.

source

because it works for me. it works for us. it's trial and error.

my children are happy. and healthy. and loved. oh so loved.

i used to worry that i wasn't doing it right. that i wasn't doing it like everyone else was.

you know. that comparison game. that subtle one-upping that some women like to do? that's not how i roll.

at least i don't roll that way any more.i gave that up when i realized it was making me miserable.

i do what works for us. but i'm sure not going to act like i have it all together.

because yesterday i almost hit the mailbox.

today i unintentionally wore pajamas to drop my children off.

i screw up crock pot recipes at least once a week. i mean...how do you even DO that? my favorite was when i cooked a meal on high for 8 hours instead of on low. that was awesome.

i pay the sitter to come three hours a week just so i can be alone. sometimes i don't even do any work.

i feel like i have no idea what i'm doing.

anyone who says they have it all together?

is lying.

plain and simple.

right? RIGHT! who's with me??? :)
now off to botch a dinner attempt.

love you guys!

xoxo

the power of a photo

photo taken outside the olde pink house on harper's sixth birthday

This photo terrifies me.

Because she's six...but I see glimpses of sixteen. I can see what she will look like as a woman,and it makes my heart hurt.

The funny thing is,I can see myself looking back on this photo when she is sixteen and treasuring how little she was.

She is so beautiful.

Do you ever have moments like this with your children? Where you look at a captured image and see glimpses of the future?

It simultaneously thrills and terrifies me.

And when things like this happen,my heart says a quick prayer and it always sounds a little something like this..

Please Lord. Let me be there to see the real thing.

Every day I watch her grow is a privilege.

I think every mother gets scared. Scared that it will be hard. Scared that she won't know what to do. Scared that something will happen and she won't get to witness it at all.

How does one photo have the power do that? It's actually quite amazing. And one of the many,many reasons I love photographs.

I hope you all have a beautiful day!

xoxo

S

the sweetest thing

The girls were so excited that yesterday was our wedding anniversary. They decided that we should have a "feast". How could I say no to that? :)

Truth be told, I was feeling a teensy bit sad inside and I needed this idea.

After I got H from school, we headed to Fresh Market. By the way, if you've never pushed one baby in a stroller,pulled another one in a cart, and wrangled a 4 year old and 5 year old whilst at Fresh Market...well let's just say it's quite the experience. Those aisles do NOT have much wriggle room.

But I digress...

So S said we needed FLOWERS! I agreed and we scooped up some yellow tulips.

Harper said we needed FEAST food. So we picked up salmon and veggies (for me) and empanadas and mashed potatoes for them (yes totally random but I let them choose!).

I said we needed to have a TOAST! So I found a bottle of sparkling apple cider.

When we got home we fed the babies and put them down and got to work.

Harper chose a tablecloth (please note the random burro motif she chose in the photo above), Sadie helped me arrange the tulips. I poured the cider and set the table and we sat down to eat.

I swear to you I'm teary right now. I know this is silly but y'all...my heart was so full at that moment. We snapped a photo with the timer (note the Bible the phone was balanced on, ha!) and said a toast. I said a prayer about how thankful I am for their daddy and how much I love him...

And then H+S said they had something for me. They both stared right at me and sang

"Happy Anniversary to YOU

Happy Anniversary to YOU

Happy Anniversary Mommy and Daddy

Happy Anniversary to YOU!"

And I was overwhelmed with gratitude. And joy. And sadness.

And quietly in my heart I heard these words.

"we must be doing something right".

Lots of times I don't feel that way. Most times I don't feel that way. Most times I'm tired and wondering what I'm doing. But gosh, when something like that happens...I just know we are all going to be okay.

You see, they save me. They don't know it but they do. On days where I'm lonely, and missing him,and tired...they love on me extra.

Their sweet smiles and the way their hair smells saves me.

Now remind me of this later today when they are fighting over how they both want to be Dorothy ON HALLOWEEN IN SEVEN MONTHS.

Remind me of this when one of the babies throws my toothbrush in the toilet.

Happy Friday,y'all.

xoxo

sometimes i can't believe that they are MINE.

don't get me wrong, sometimes i pretend they are NOT mine. like when we are at the store and the babies are screeching and trying to pull things off of the shelves, and sadie and harper are fighting about thestupidestthingever like...oh, i don't know...WHO LOOKS MORE LIKE A DISNEY PRINCESS????

 

oh yes, at moments like that in the produce section at publix-i stare off into the distance and make a face like who ARE these children and who do they belong to?

 

or when we are home and they have annihilated the entire house? despite the fact that i worked on it for six hours that day? and the babies have gotten into an entire box of yogurt cheerios, dumped it over on the floor, and are shoveling handfuls in their mouths while yelling UH OHHHHHH. and i have ONLY gone to the restroom for 10 seconds and HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE???? AND WHY IS SADIE JUMPING IN THE CHEERIO PILE????

 

at moments like that i can't believe they are mine. and i verrrrry slowly creep back into the bathroom, close the door with a quiet click, and scream ""who aaaaaaaaaaare these CHILDREN????"!

and while i'm in the bathroom i look in the mirror. i look at my frizzy hair and the circles under my eyes. and i think...what happened to the put together witty girl? the one that could make anyone laugh? the one that wore makeup and could talk about things other than her children? what happened to her? and IS THAT A CHEERIO IN MY HAIR? WHO ARE YOU?

 

 yes, there are plenty of moments like those. plenty of moments where i want to RESIGN from this job. i do NOT want to be the resident cook, booger wiper, diaper changer, tear dryer, fear slayer, toy picker upper, laundry and dish washer for ONE MORE MOMENT. no one ever notices the work i do, everyone only thinks about themselves,i never get taken care of,i am TIRED.

 

see that? that's how i feel some days. yes, i just typed that out. yes, i just admitted that.

sorry...i ain't perfect.

 

especially when jimmy has been gone for days and days and days...and when he IS here-he's not really,you see. up before dawn and home after bedtime for the girls.

 

sometimes i think i can't (WON'T?) take it for

 

one

more

moment.

 

and usually i have to pray. and sometimes i have to cry. and more than likely these moments involve a glass of wine.

 

and before i know it it's better. and of course I DO IT. and i don't QUIT. because that just isn't an option is it?

 

 

and then there's THESE moments...looking at these photos makes me feel like my heart is going to explode. looking at these photos fills me with awe that they belong to ME. us. how are we so blessed?

 

i love these girls so much. i love their tiny hands and feet, their crocodile tears. i love who they are becoming, the plans the Lord has for them.

 

i love their defiance (SADIE), their sensitivity (HARPER), their snuggliness (LUCY) and their independence (CATE).

 

i love them even when they have driven me to the brink of insanity. i love them even when they disappoint me. i love them every moment of every day...even in the absolute WORST moments.

even when i am thinking WHO ARE THESE MANIACS? i love them.

i mean, just look at them! thank you carrie for capturing them (and who they are ) so beautifully!

 

and so today begins. wishing YOUR day is full of happiness,hugs,and laughter. and if it's more of a screaming,fighting,I'MLOSINGMYMINDDAY...think of me when you're hiding in the bathroom, won't you? we'll share a virtual "cheers".

xoxo

s

 

 

are they twins????

you hear a lot...a LOT of things when you have twins.

a lot of really kind and encouraging things...and a lot of WEIRD and not so kind things.

actually, i don't know if it's the twin thing

or the "four girls five and under" thing...but i hear MANY things when we are out and about.

but by far my favorite (and the most baffling i think) is

"are they twins???"

sometimes this is totally understandable as it's coming from people that i can tell are pretty sure they ARE twins, but don't want to assume. i remember feeling this way before i had kids, as i knew NOTHING about babies and their ages and would just ask "how old are they?".

totally understandable.

but what really makes me giggle is when i hear "are they twins?"

from someone who has children. and it's even funnier when they look SO SURPRISED when i smile and say yes.

at the store from a nice lady in the dairy section. "how old are they?"

me: "they turned one on thanksgiving!"

her: "WHAT??? both turned one? are they TWINS???"

me: "uhhhhh yes?"

i know that lucy is the chunk of the pair and i know that they don't look identical (though some people who don't see them everyday think they do).

but they are about the same size, and look SO MUCH alike.

what else could they be?

sometimes i want to say something like

"oh no, this one is 3 months older!! she came out a little bit earlier and her sister hung out in the womb"

or

"this one is 13 months and this one is 14 months, no they aren't twins!!!"

 

but i don't. i smile and answer their questions b/c i love getting stopped. but it's SO funny to me.

 

are they twins?

 

kind of like when i heard "do they all have the same daddy?" and i pointed at cate and said "all except that one!!!" .

or when the guy at urgent care(incredulously) said "are they ALL yours???" and i shrugged and looked confused and said "uhhhh i'm not sure?".

or the lady that said "you know what causes that right?"
and i said "YES! I DO! AND IT'S MY FAVORITE!!!" hahaha!

 

you've got to laugh. or i swear you will cry.

there's no other option! i love being on the go with my girls. we go everywhere, all five of us. target, the mall, the grocery store, you name it we go.

even when i hear "do you run a daycare?"...

and even when we are walking through the grocery store and i hear "your hands are full" for the 12th time (true story). i just grin and say thank you. arent' they GREAT?

or (also a true story) i hold a baby out and say "want one? i have an extra!".HA!

are they twins?

why yes. yes they are.

xoxo

 

resolute.

in 2012 i will remember that my children are a reflection of me.

that when they are kind, speak gently, or even say something really funny... that is in part a reflection of me.

but the same goes for when they use an impatient tone, when they give sass, and when they aren't nice. sometimes i hear myself in something they say at these moments...and i need to remember that.

eight little eyes are always watching me.

resolute to pause and breathe before snapping, resolute that i will remember they are little and they are learning.

resolute to play more. i mean really play. STOP cleaning,fussing,worrying...and get down on the floor and

play.

i will hold them more. i know there are two of them, but i will take time (MAKE time) to hold them more.

this year i will pray for a gentle spirit with them.

i will not pray for patience because then i get tested. hahaha!

this year i'm resolute that i will ENJOY the ride.

no more trying to survive and get through the ride without going insane.

i will REMEMBER the ride this year.

and above all, i am resolute that i will remind myself each and every day...

i

am

blessed.

i might be frustrated, i might be tired. i might be lost some days. i might lose focus, i might cry.

but in the grand scheme of things these moments are a blink of the eye.

i will hold on tight this year.

xo

s

irony

is it ironic that a beginning can also seem like an ending??

on saturday afternoon, both of my baby girls took their first steps.

cate first...she let go of my fingers with a grin firmly in place. and she took two wobbly steps before collapsing in my arms with a giggle.

lucy girl was next. she took two lunging steps, interrupting jimmy right as he was saying "who knows when she'll walk with those thunder thi....".

i remember harper's first steps (to jimmy, in her bedroom at 12 months old) and sadie's first steps (to my mother-jimmy was deployed-at 10 months old). i remember them like they were yesterday. but they weren't.

and as the girls walked to me, i tried to hide my teary eyes with loud laughter and whoops of joy. but a tear or two escaped as it hit me-

"these are the last first steps i will witness".

and i think i am okay with that, but it breaks my heart a little bit.

i know there will be so many more firsts. so many more. but for a moment i wanted to treasure THESE first steps. savor them, revel in them, imprint them in my memory.

the day both of my babies walked.my last babies.

now? on to something new. :) BABY CAGES. just kidding. sort of. leashes?

xoxo

s

it's complicated.

harper's very first school picture. i notice two things when i look at this photo. how grown up she looks and how HAPPY she looks.

 

it's complicated, this mother/daughter dance. 

i expect so much out of her,yet i don't want to project my expectations onto her or crush her with the weight of them.

she frustrates me so much because she is exactly like me.

all of the things i don't have patience for in myself, i don't have patience for in her.

the fact that she is high strung.

the fact that she worries too much about what other's think.

the fact that she wants to please others so very much.

she's very self aware...

the fact that she never ever stops talking and that all of her life is one

long

run-on

sentence.

the way she always wants to help SO much but sometimes just gets in the way...

she is me.

i have so many hopes and dreams for her. she will soar,this one. she's smart and observant, kind and generous. she's beautiful with a beautiful heart.

i feel so much pressure to teach her to respect herself,and to respect others and their feelings/wishes... but never to be a doormat. 

these days are a bit rough. she's prone to dramatic fits of wailing, inconsolable crying.

because she's still so LITTLE but yet she seems so capable.

it's complicated.

i love her so much it physically makes my heart hurt. but she drives me nuts at the same time.

i have to be sure to always praise her, but not over praise her.

i make mistakes. i lose my patience with her. i snap. i coddle her. i have no patience, i have too much patience. i ignore her when there's really something wrong and indulge her when nothing is wrong.

it's complicated.

this girl made me a mother. we are learning together, feeling this thing out together.

 

but there's this.

at her kindergarten parent/teacher conference her teacher told me she is so smart and well behaved (except for a bit of talking out-again she gets that from me)...but above all she is KIND. she plays with everyone, befriends everyone, encourages everyone.

and also, there is this.

when she got out of the car today, she walked/pranced up the school sidewalk with a bounce in her step. i held up the carpool line for a minute...just watching her and rejoicing in the gift of her.

suddenly she turned, ran back to the car and motioned for me to roll the window down.

she yelled "I love you mama and i'm so proud of you!!!"

and my heart was calm in the knowledge that the two of us are doing just fine.

we are navigating this complicated, blind route just fine. and all the good times, good parts...well,they more than make up for the hard parts.

 

xxo

slipping through my fingers

a year ago:






yesterday i was sitting in bed and thinking about one year ago.

one year ago i was sitting in the same bed and i was reallllly pregnant.

10 months (and some change) ago jimmy and i headed to my OB appointment wondering if i was in labor.

and i don't know how it has been a year. i don't know where the time went.

so many times in my life i've said "it seems like only yesterday..." but in reality it really didn't. it seemed vague, distant...a memory.

but i don't understand where the past year has gone.

it slipped through my fingers.

wasn't i just wondering like what it was going to be like to have four children?

wasn't i just wondering if i could do it?

wasn't i just pregnant with my beautiful girls?

it seems like only yesterday.

i really mean it this time. i'm not just saying it.

it terrifies me. i don't want this beautiful, precious time in my life to be a blur. i want to savor and taste

every

single

beautiful and horrible and exhausting and precious and wonderful and confusing

moment of it.

but it's like no matter how hard i concentrate, no matter how much i hold onto it, no matter how present i am...

it's slipping through my fingers.

they don't have the same smell. they aren't pronouncing words the same way. they need me less.

they are so beautiful. and funny. and i am so in love with all of them.

and ohhhhh are they frustrating. they fight like cats and dogs. even the babies!! they whine. they scream. and the tears...

oh the tears.

but oh how i love them.

and i know that what the future holds will be fun and special. in a different way. but wonderful. i know i will love seeing them grow.

but this precious, unique time in my life...

it's slipping through my fingers.

it's like i get so caught up in the everyday diaper changing and snot wiping and homework helping and carpooling and meal making and dish washing and clothes folding and vacuuming and lunch making...

and

i miss it. it slips through my fingers.

dear Lord. help me to hold them more and scold them less. help me to take time to be present. to play. to worry less, try to do less, try to BE in these moments.

help me remember.

help me let them grow. let them shine.

help me remember.

so, which should i get?

all from cafe press

sorry, i couldn't resist. *snicker*

but seriously...i think it's time for a custom tee for ME. :)

hope your weekend was lovely!

xxo